Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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