soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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