I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
