im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
