I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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