I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
