Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
