the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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