Well douche your snatch and let's go!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
And then my night got REAL pukey
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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