I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
