im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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