Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
