My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
