i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
