Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
