is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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