We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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