oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I am available for nakedness
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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