there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
