I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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