can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
