I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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