WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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