god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
