the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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