He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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