We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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