I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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