I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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