I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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