Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
