More tranny stories later!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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