Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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