the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
