I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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