At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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