she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
