apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
