i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
