u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
