new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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