I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
