he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
