I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
