i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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