When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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