Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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