I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
