We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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