on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
