it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
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If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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