im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
