Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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