A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If I had your ass I would rule the world
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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