It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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