I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
