I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
