i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
