hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize