don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
