Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
how drunk are you?
Several
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
