I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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