the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
