saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
