I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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