Sry I called you an 8
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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