3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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