apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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