Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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