Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize