I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
