you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
